I really hope, pray, wish, that nothing going to change or happen tomorrow night. God knows what I'm feeling right now.
Please, I still love them. I still love love love them.
I'm begging you

Last night was Christmas. A day, also when Tante Noi depart to Xi'an for their first tour night before heading to Suzhou in Tante Yaya's place, the next morning.
You see you see you see?!! Highlights: last night! Where the ambience is as romantic as having your first honeymoon. Oh, all credits you shall ask, apparently goes to Choir rehearsals. Orelse, I might have been blogging an entry. Just from a different zip code and country):
Not adding to the fire, after what Daddy have told me last night.
I really truely honestly don't know who to trust and who to ignore. Anymore.
Like I told you, I don't don' don't cry on the outside, no more. I'm trying to stick to being happy, as long as I can.

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me. I used to stand so tall. I used to be so strong. Your arms around me tight. E v e r y t h i n g , it felt so right. Unbreak-able, like nothing could go wrong. Now I can't b r e a t h e. No, I can't s l e e p. I'm barely hanging on. Here I am, once again. I'm torn into pieces. Can't deny it, can't pretend. Just thought you were the one. Broken up, deep inside. But you won't get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes. I told you e v e r y t h i n g. Opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright for once in my life. Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be. So together, but so broken up inside cause I can't breathe. No, I can't sleep. I'm barely hanging on. Swallow me then, spit me out. For hating you, I blame myself. Seeing you it kills me now. No, I don't cry on the outside anymoreeeee.

God. I'm having this fear feeling coming up again. Suddenly I feel like I might actually barf up right in front of this screen. The queasy feeling inside. The uneased mind, heavy stomach aching. Particularly everything. It's not that I've not done any of my homework or anything particular to do that. It's the feeling back when I was 12, countdown-ing to the days till im 13, into a freshman of intermediate school.
Okay, okay. I'm breathing. In... and... out...
Ahh, I just can't do it, okay okay okay? Easy for some of you to say cause no one, yes NO EVER ONE is going to be in my position. AHHHHH, shut up okay, Fina. Stop being such a girl.
Just face it, like you normally do. Be yourself, yes, be truly yourself, and everything is going to be perfectly fine. Just keep your guard off the shore, keep your mind to one reason, and stay positive. YEAH RIGHT. As if I'm that greaat.
Okay cool, down. Stay positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive, positive.

Okay, so no mother, no father, for the day. Equals to = more housework. Like, M-O-R-E OF THE M-O-R-E housework to be done.
I hate to be the eldest, plus, a daughter in gender.
Why why why must mama stop producing little sisters/brothers after Selena? And why must I be her first baby? Just so you blov-vers know, BEING THE ELDEST, WHAT'S MORE, A SISTER, DAUGHTER, SUCK, okay??? Like really really really suck. Your parents would prefer choosing your younger sister to you for backup. I'm not being a tattle tale, but sometimes, I need some space to bottle out my feelings. I figured, here's the best.

I don't care, I'm writing a 3rd entry.

I swear, my internet connection is dying. Also. My laptop.
I can foresee that starting next year onwards, my laptop is so going to crash. I mean, one by one, things started to break down for my laptop.
AH, this means that I'm going to stay untouched with my own personal laptop for 730 days cause I'm going to save up all my daily allowances for a pretty, real pretty Apple Macbook that cost err, $$$1588.00. So the math that did the work, apparently shows results that IT WILL TOOK ME 2 YEARS, which is the 730days, to have at least more than a thousand bucks saved to get the Macbook. I mean come on. It'll be so so so worth it. First factor, it's white(like heheheee, I'm so so so a White-Stuff person, and very much for Anti-Black-Stuff person). Second factor, they have this really really cool features like a durable polycarbonate unibody enclosure, a brilliant LED-backlit display and mygod, mygod, a glass multi-touch trackpad. Third factor, in 2 years' time I'm going 16, which means, end of O Levels, much of starting college(hope soooo, really really really hoping for a JC) and so using a lot lot lot of laptop rather than papers from the trees. So a decent-looking, well at least, best of quality, laptop is SO SO SO needed for a college student. Fourth factor, they(my parents) only have to fork out $52 enough for my savings for 2 whole years. Fifth factor, my current laptop is so so so so so so so going to be broken into pieces, like seriously. You would never want to know, see its' current state. Sixth factor, Compaq Presario is so so so lagggggg. Anyone can guarantees a good quality service from the Apple brand. I mean evidence came from the iphone, ipod. So, everything should be fine(I mean it better be. I'm saving up for 2 whole year!)
So I got this proposal sent to the King & Queen(apparently, my parents) and yay, APPROVED.

I can say my life is too bored that I'm posting 3 entries a day. Okey dokey, back to P.D.! Yay, Meggin Patricia Cabot rockzxcs!

Okay so I had an afternoon(oh, no. More of an evening one) nap because I had a fight with my mother.
All because of dang dang miscommunication.
What. I don't get this "mother-daughter miscommunication" thing going on with (my) parents, especially my mother. What is she bragging about? I'm merely passing a remark and she got all worked up. What else can I do besides commenting and sleeping and eating and breathing??
And the old freaking thing was that every time we got into a fight, the next morning, we start saying warm friendly mother-daughter greetings, "hello", "morning" and such, as if nothing ever took place the night before.
Sighhs.
Okay so I've just woken up from a deep 3-hour sleep, reading the whole collection of Princess Diaries back for the first volume. Hah, you're asking how boring my life can be? Well, I'm telling you, this is only day 1 of the rest of the day I'm going to stuck in this place, none other than completing my holiday assignments(which was still at math, ugh), reading(I mean rereading) Meg Cabot's novels, consuming junk food that purely contains carbs that will in/directly cause me to gain weight(somehow, actually I AM, ohh, calling for diet classes pleaseee) and sleeping(an also another factor that leads to G.W.(gaining weight)).
I wish my happy moments in school could literally be brought back back home cause every time I had a good day in school, apparently, hinting that I'm having a doomsday later at home. It always appears like this, I'm telling you. How ironical.

Lord. I'm tired.
I think it's them those council meeting that have been keeping me occupied for the past few days, weeks. Orelse, I'll be either sleeping, home-working, or eating.
I've realised that time is ticking by way way way too fast when I'm 14. Like honestly, seriously. I mean compared to all the other years, I swearrrr 2009's fast. Maybe it's all because it's filled with awesome wonderful heartbreaking moments in this year.
I hate to admit the fact that in 9 more freeeeaking days, it's going to be "goodbye 2009, hello 2010", "goodbye 14, hello 15", "goodbye sophomore, hello junior", "goodbye 2-4, hello 3-4", "goodbye lower sec, hello upper sec", "goodbye yellow shirt, hello green shirt"(lol, this was a pass-by one, hehee). LIKE. OH.MY.GOD. It's going to be a whole new year next year, and God-knows-what's up for next year. AHH. Plus plus plus, Selena's taking her PSLE. Ohm):
This is like massive massive change for me to adapt to.
OHM OHM OHM, hopes I can balance(lol, Zhonghao) it all well. As much as hoping so, I need food.
All that I've consumed: mineral water, 1/2 an egg sandwich(which totally isn't enough for a breakfast meal, okay), a bottle of 100plus and an ice-cream. So it's like. I. AM. STARV.ING!!!!

I think I've finally figured everything out. Yes, everything.
I figured out that you're just a coward fellow who daren't face your own feelings. Speaking of "saving face", hello, like a girl could do any better. Why do you keep doing things that just reflects so much about you possessing a low self-esteem?
I'm not posting here trying to humiliate you in any a way or another. But you're really being a chicken here, considered you're a guy of your own name.
Why do you give me such high hopes if you can't even perform what you really meant? What words have you said before have you ever did it? Tell me. Your promises are empty, zero, nil, nothing. Completely making me crushed, you don't even bother to at least update me on anything. Speaking of low prepaids, *clear throats*, HEY, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IN THIS MODERN ERA, THERE'S WHAT THAT EXIST, EEEEEE-MAIL??? And like, unless you're mute, mouthless or something you can even let a kind being pass the message. What are you? A king? That needs to be served, asked rightfully or whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttt?
Don't blame me for being judgemental, but sometimes in order to justify for the rights of women, errm, I mean teenage girls, I HAVE TO.
A good guy, well preferably a gentleman doesn't just show his character via instant messages, but backed out when times of confrontation. They don't broke promises purposely and don't even bother to apologize, whatsoever necessary. They don't depend on living souls to convey the message to US. And they don't SET high hopes, to the certain extend they can't give what they promised.


P.S. No one asked you to be prince of perfection. But you could be one that ignores those them.

It sucked being me cause;
- since the day I was earthed, my intellectual cells have been found to be deranged to of normal human beings, in mathematically language=idiot;
- I can never got over the one factor of my persona, naive;
- I am a sister,
- and have a bratty younger sister myself;
- this younger sister of mine is beyond the 'intolerable' category;
- everytime me and Selena fight, she always win the battle;
- prior to the above reason, I don't have my parents support;
- God-knows which witch have cast a spell on me that I was only fated to love and not be loved;
- household affairs are my ultimate priority, and running away means seeking for early death;
- I JUST SUCK AT EVERYTHING I DO AND NOTHING CAN NEVER WENT RIGHT.

I'm glad it's you that I coincidentally saw, and not him whom I might intentionally saw.
Just so you know that. Mighty lorddd, I don't get why things are growing awkward. I hate how the period of time made due changes to people and to myself in particular.
I'm glad you still remembers me. At least there's signs of apologies, and resentment, AND concern. I told you it's only part of the puzzle you've fixed. In midst of solving, you'll never know you might lost some pieces.
Like in one of Meg's book, she wrote, 'There is the difference between seeing and knowing, as much as there is the difference in hearing and listening'.
That's what we human usually do, see from the perspective views of our naked eyes, but never knowing the truth fact.
Sigh, what life is without this little complications.

P.S. Sheela, my response just now has got nothing to do with you. I love you, just know that<3

I can't fight this feeling any longer and yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, has grown stronger then what that is at first. Well, I only wish I had the strength to let it show. And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might cause it seems that I've forgotten what I started fighting for. So, it's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars. My life has been such a whirlwind since I know you. I've been running round in circles in my mind thinking what's I'm worrying for actually. And it always seems that I'm following you cause you take me to the places that alone I would never find.

Why, I just can't fight this feeling anymore???

One moment I'm walking on sunshine, the other, you make me realize I'm driving myself the road to h e l l .

I guess I'm here deserve a slap from myself.
It's 6am in the morning.
What am I doing up so dang durn cussing early in the morning?
God, I'm sick worried. Have I contracted Amnesia? No?
Ugg, then why can't I sleep?
I swear I had less than 7hours of sleep last night.
I didn't drink coffee, well I hardly does unless necessary.
But not tonight, god. And guess what. It's the same message archives that I have been re-reading(eh, no, re-chanting) over and over from top page to the bottom.
This is through true driving me nuts.
Maria's right, it's nothing to be fear of if I have to learn to face my own dang feeling.
But, issue is, a tinge of hindrance's on my track.
It couldn't be...
AIYEEEEEE. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Goddang eyes brain body.

Morning, Blov-vers.
Goodnight, Fina

Cuss it. The feeling's back.
Honestly honestly honestly, I'm deciding it to go as far far far away.
I don't don't don't want to have this feeling againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Why do you guys always create such a fairytale opening but give such a hateful endings?
Blov-vers, tell me, what am a 14 helpless year old teenager am supposed to do to face herrr idiotest feelings.

LORD. I can't believe I spent the last hour wasting my tears upon re-reading back his message archives for me. I really hate being such a fickle little brattttttt.

Before, we used to chat as longest as 5hours till after midnight, till even our eyes are wearing out.
Before, we even hesitate to say byes to each other.
Before, you even remembered not to sent me 'goodbyes' but a 'bye' instead because I told you it meant forever goodbye.
Before, you even said we haven't chat for the longest time when we just did 2 days ago.
Before, you never fail to give me little icons that just, have to make my day.
Before, you used to care so much. Over-cared I meant.
Before, I remembered still how you used to fight for your points and reasons for me to and not to gave you the points.
But now, we didn't even chat for any single second.
But now, we didn't even get to say goodbyes.
But now, we almost didn't even talk for 3 hella months.


How am I supposed to face this feeling?
How am I supposed to forget everything beautiful as this that you've given me once, just like that?
HOW? HOW? HOW???????????????
????????????????????????
?????????????????????

Original credits and inspiration: Zena.
P.S. Zenaaa, I can't fight this feeling either): And I hate myself for that.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I hate hate hate admitting that

I MISS YOU

A MIGHTY MIGHTY MIGHTY FISH.

Goodbye.