Mama I love you. You're one strong woman I truly salute all my life. Me and Selena watch you work day night week and months trying to swallow all the pain. You told me life won't be easier later. I told myself I'll be prepared. Mama, worry not. You'd be my first and only option. It's okay if I lose them as I don't lose you. Mama I'm sorry if I hadn't been good. But I promise you I will. But if you could only just quit standing so strong and just cry ; just let it all out. It hurt when you stared me back with the helpless eyes. 
Her face clear of tears. I watched her discreetly fighting back all the words.
My words were limited. I've always prepared for this day to take place, always had been. But I didn't know when today finally came, my heart just crash. Tonight couldn't get any worser than this.
This will change from today onwards. Yes, I have been further notified before.
But thing is, I didn't the truth really could hurt this much.

I can foresee that I will have a fabulous holiday ahead.
Not really much with 8 choir rehearsals coming up, but pretty much all with catching up with mama and esther. HAHAAA. I swear. Oh yeah, plus plus, esther have enrolled a pretty good job for both of us. I guess that should take up some of our time. I wouldn't be dying at home then! Hahaa. Ohhhh, and a lot of shopping together with her, buying concert tickets(heck yeah! We're going for a freaking concert next year la my god. Haha, Not quite a gugu-gaga fan of JB, but my best friend is! So ohwell, she did so much for me by sponsoring the ticket, so why not! Besides, Taylor Swift's coming to Singapore on February next year!!!!! Me and esther have pretty much plan to go for the front seats for more of the worth the its.)
Oh oh oh. Me and esther have plans for next year. Secret only us know. Heheee.
Besides, helloooooo, it's O level year next year. Which means no time for all this things anymore. So why freaking not make full use of it during the holidays.

P.s. I figured there's no reason I should keep at this sorrow state all the time. They say pain is inevitable and is of no choice. But suffering - it's definitely an option. So why waste all my youth years for someone or maybe some people who doesn't acknowledge much less appreciated me. Why go on fighting when it's clear enough it's no point waiting. This isn't words of surrendering in the battle. Ain't words of giving up. This is what they call, letting go. Cause dude, you never even was mine in the first place. I guess I've straighten my thought out and I'm pretty much contented with what you've left for me to clear up with. Hey you know it's not easy. By this, I'm not just losing you, I've lost my best friend. I truly think I have.

Restless restless restless. I honestly need to get busy like asap before my mind starts wandering off again.
This hasn't always been a problem to me. But it just seem to lately. Realllllyyyyyyyyy, just hurry up school end already can.
Mygod. Still have a week more to cover. Ag.
Searching for job for the holidays though... Well, truth is I never supported young 15 year olds applying for any job initially. I have my own reason. But after contemplating, ah well, rather than dying day by day at home, Imma as well just gain a couple few experiences plus plus plus, extra cash in my pocket. Well I don't assume I will be having a lot of friends' outings and stuff like that, just ohwell, saving up for my Sydney Trip :D Not anything urgent or anything. Well can just say I just want to get occupied okay. Okay, I have yet to tell my mum about this anyway. Ahhwells.
TGIF. Quite a tiring week for me though. Good thing weekend's finally here. But whatever every day is just like any other day. I either be this or that. Boring. IHML (figure out the abbreviation yourself). I swear. Lately, yes, I admit, my rate of sensitivity level has been increasing.
I really need self-controls.

You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.

For those who reflected your concerns are dearly appreciated. I just this shall pass, like always. Only, the phase will be more tougher. I hate driving on this road. No directions, no traffic. It's like I'm lost, but somehow in a path that's leading me to somewhere. Just, somewhere I'm not sure.
Heck. My future does look vague, doesn't it?

41% of people believe that self-harm is selfish. 55% believe that it is stupid. 43% know someone that has self-harmed. One in ten people have harmed by the age of sixteen.
Self-harm does not make you suicidal. It does not make you emo. It is simply a way that many use to rid themselves of stress or pain or whatever it may be. Over 3 million people in the US have self-harmed or still do.
Cutting is not just a girl’s disorder. Anyone can do it. Males, females, and persons that don’t fit into the gender binary. And it is not just teens, either. Both Princess Diana and Johnny Depp have gone through it. The person who always seems happy could be victim to it. Anyone.
There are other forms of self-harm besides cutting or mutilation. There’s CSP; a disorder where you’ll pick at your skin, bite your skin, bite your nails, or pull out hair, usually when you’re bored or due to perfectionism. There’s also burning yourself, and other things that could cause injury such as hitting yourself or other objects.
Some people don’t realize they’re doing it. Some people don’t think it’s wrong. Some people become addicted. People don’t hide their cuts or marks hoping someone will find them unless they actually want help to get better. It’s often hidden because they’re afraid of someone seeing. People don’t show off their scars because they’re cool. They’re just there. And there’s no point in hiding them. Often people become proud of their scars because they know they’re past it.
An orange ribbon is used as a self-harm awareness symbol. Those suffering from it or have been through it or support it often wear one. To Write Love On Her Arms is amazing for what they do. They help people get past their self-harm or addictions or suicidal thoughts. Many people don’t support TWLOHA, but I think it’s an amazing cause.
You do not have to have gone through anything like this to support it. Sometimes all people want to know is that they’re not alone. Don’t judge someone based on the marks they have on their arms. You don’t know what they’ve been through. Rather, be proud of them for making through it. Life can be a bitch.

I can't help but reblog this. Source from http://loopie2008-stock.deviantart.com/art/hope-166373574

For one superficial "lovely" fact, in knowing, or realising, that I've never really been on someone's top priority list. Never be the first. As much as I try to picture it. Never. Kinda disheartening at times, like of course. No matter wherever. In school. Or back home. I am never fail to be someone's second option. This feeling of high insecurity was one of the main few reasons why I  retract trusts from some those to whom I dearly dearly love.
I told myself, time and again that if I just continue living in this life full of self-doubts, I can never succeed in moving on at anything. And I really mean, anything and everything in life. Take today for example. For the fact that, I still hide, and still fear of confrontation, I was never over it. I truly hate how it affects me, still, how it still makes me worry, still. I hate hate hate that one particular fact. I hate how he just make it seem as if I was the only who's been through it and he's never part of the drama in the first place. I hate how he always use his stupid ego as his stupid shield, when its apparent enough it's so transparent.
Yet still. Back to myself - self-doubt. If only I'd just thrash it and just goddamn move on, things would be far far far better. Honestly, dude, you started the wound. You're the first.
Sigh. As much as I want to curse and yell about all the goddamn things about you, truth is, the fault's on me. I shouldn't have expect. I really shouldn't have. Because you know what's wrong with falling for someone you're not right for? You fall for anyway, because you thought he might be any different.

Right. Enough. God. I've been blabbering about my stupid unsolved personal ever since, forever? OKay, time for updates :-D
So. EOY's over. Bet I'm the last one to announce. Ah well. Finally, I can put a goddamn rest to all those sleepless nights session with my books.
All our results will be returned next week though. MM, my confidence kinda wavered if you ask me how'd I think I'd done this time round. Cause truth is, I know I'm going to screw up 2 papers :3
Just pray that I'd sustain my results.
Today's graduation day... God. Hate it? Nahh, k, loathe it. I was actually not planning to come, since I've just recovered and all, but the idea of meeting my lovely council mates, just spur my spirit. Besides, my entire life had been either them or them. Hah. OKay, major sidetrack. Alright, so duty was prize-givers again. Boring. I slept at backstage during the form teacher's well wishes. Nadia kept bugging me to go down cause the freaking heat was stimulating, but for the sake of my "ego", I decided not to. Stubborn, yeahh. Right...
Headed home with Emmy <3 Had our usual Pour&Tell sessions while she contemplates in going for her dance or not. Ahwell, her "rebel" intentions failed. So I head home while emmy head back to school.
Alright, just say that life's been really really...mm, unpredictable. VERY, indeed. Scary sometimes how I have to pace up with the changes lately.

Because truth is, they will always leave. Never stayed. Because they're only our best friends for a moment. Then next they make you seem like a second option. You know what sucks more is knowing and believing that you can actually place your trust on them, and yet they hurt you like crazy now. Once or twice, its negotiable. But if apology accepted time and again and you keep begging for forgiveness, then, I'm afraid I might not be able to build the same trust as were before.
Heck. I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice. Always apologizing for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, for making you a huge part of my life, wasting time on you, depending on you, thinking about you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, changing for you. And most of all, for not hating you when I know that I should.
You know, I'm not complaining. Just ... telling.
Maybe, just goddamn maybe, it's time to wake up. And tell myself instead that there's not a goddamn soul I can really truly trust. Because sometimes...goddamn sometimes...the sad part is that, you just have yourself to trust.
And you know what, dude. If you think that I'd attempt for giving up before even fighting, heckdangshutthehellup. Because even before I attempt my first try, I got smacked in the brain telling me to back off cause things might just got a little bit more crazier, and the next moment I know, I didn't went berserk, but just the pain penetrates via the goddamn place I call, my heart. And you think I might just proceed in trying to fight for something I know wouldn't even give me a wink of acknowledgment, dude, then you don't know me well and enough. Cause, god knows, I'm through. Might not be thoroughly through, though.
But just know that I'm  t h r o u g h  you.